Barry The Apathetic Panda meets Mary the women's rights moo cow

Barry sat against the tree that he usually sat under. In one hand he held a large stick of bamboo, and in the other he held a refreshing mojito served in a hollowed out coconut. Although he was extremely apathetic and pessimistic, even the animals who held him in low regard agreed he had swag. The sun was blinding, even in the shade of whatever the fuck trees are plentiful in China. For hours, Barry had considered moving from his spot to somewhere more comfortable but in this world, apathy reigns. This was like any other day, Barry stayed consistently drunk and saw the same fools going to and from the watering hole.

All of a sudden, the silence was broken by an unfamiliar sound. The animals close by Barry's "chill spot" turned and looked around with bemused looks on their faces, but Barry just sat where he was and took a sip of his mojito with a loud slurping noise, followed by the kind of belch only a bachelor panda could do. The sound came again - "Mooooooooo".

From out of the dense undergrowth, a cow emerged. A large picket sign was tied to her large body with a sign saying "Bitches be equal". Sure enough, it was a sign stolen from the "Female Dogs Oppression Free Independents Circle" but it carried the same message for all female animals. The other animals read the sign and approached the unfamiliar, non-native animal. Questions were asked, answers were given and debates ensued. Seeds of discord were being sowed all around Barry's chill spot, which he did not appreciate. He knew someone new had arrived, and he had glimpsed her picket sign from the corner of his eye, but he had not taken the time to read it. Finally shitfaced from mojitos, he fell into a deep slumber.

Many hours passed and he awoke. All of the other animals in the forest had learned a lesson that day. The female animals had taken it upon themselves to study more into women's rights and feminism, and the men would from now on be more concious of the way they acted towards the opposite sex, but Barry had learned nothing. He felt slightly hungover, which annoyed him to no end. His mouth was dry and tasted of mint leaves. Maybe he should have gone down to fetch some water and hangover bamboo, but he just didn't care. He fixed himself another drink and prepared for another day of basking.

The boredom of unemployment breeds creativity

Blinding amounts of wanking and drinking (sometimes related, sometimes unrelated) have gotten old at this stage. My penis feels like a sausage covered in Pritt-Stick due to the stifling heat in my room, thus wanking is uncomfortable. Drinking causes me to be hungover which I'm not in the mood for right now. After hours of aimlessly browsing the internet, and making up back stories for the people that post the lulz, I grow weary and decide to get creative. I will now write a series of children's stories under the Alias of Thomas Sinclair. The stories will revolve around the adventures of "Barry - The Apathetic Panda".

Here is a picture of said Panda. You can clearly see the bemused and somewhat grumpy look on his face. He was forever cursed to wear this face when the Taiwanese child finished the stitching and packed him into the box hurriedly as his foreman rang the bell signalling the end of another payless workday. The look is not grumpy enough to indicate immediate action on the party which angered him, but grumpy enough to pass for extreme apathy. On his adventures, he will meet hundreds (three or four) of characters such as William the safe sex wolf and Mary the women's rights moo cow. Children will not physically be able to turn the pages due to the excitement hitting them full in the imagination, causing them to be in a state of semi-retarded glee. Their small hands will tremble with delight as Barry travels across China meeting non native animals, but fuck it, their kids, they care about the flora and fauna which thrive in China about as much as they care when they piss themselves. Come, kids and adults alike, open your mind and most of all, be delighted. Watch this space.