Chatrooms

Those mad chat-rooms with the webcams and the instant messaging at the same time, I dislike them. I would go insofar as to say that I hate them more than anything else in the history of the world ever. Madness. Its all very high tech and futuristic.

Its strange really. If you showed an old man one of those sites, for example, chat roulette, he'd be so shocked by being able to see the person he was speaking to that he might die. He'd act excited and begin babbling the names of all his grandchildren, children and eventually war buddies. He'd look around, slightly bemused and try to stand up. Another product of our generation he is not used to is his downfall. He stands up straight but the swivel chair moves at the same time. The confused old man falls and he calls for help. His breathing and speaking patterns change erratically. He fumbles around with useless fingers, more accessories than digits. He tries to reach for the phone but realizes there is no cord. Cordless phones - another new fangled invention. Modern technology is killing this old gentlemen. Strange how he is shocked after being conditioned to violence during the wars when he watched his good friends become expendable cannon fodder. In the end, he waits for death. His chav grandchild comes in and takes his bus pass and the remainder of the money in his wallet after calling him an "Irrelevant old paedophile".

I'm sure its brilliant to be able to chat to people overseas that you don't know and immerse yourself and learn about a foreign culture, but that isn't really what people want to do. Fat men want to stroke their bizarrely curved penises to anonymous people via webcam. I thought, a rather naive thought really, that stuff like this only happened on chatroulette, BUT NO. I went on one for crusties last night because I'd had a few drinks. I chatted to this sound guy about music and drinking and reading, it was all well and good until in the corner of my eye I saw something moving. I immediately shifted my gaze to the bottom left hand corner of the screen. Although my laptop was tilted which somewhat shaded what I saw, it was very clear that I was looking at a skinny guy in blue jeans standing in his sitting room waving his penis back and forth through the air like a condom filled hand soap and marbles. Oh Internetz? Why?

Needless to say I cracked one out to this fine specimen and then went to sleep.

Not really. It angered me so I went off the site and stroked away the rage on my cat Louis, named after Louis from Interview with a Vampire. He strolled into the room, the big fat ball of black fur that he is. He didn't stroll so much as waddle. He jumped up onto the bed with great difficulty. His immense bulk shook the bed as he plodded towards me, saliva streaming from his mouth. Do all cats drool? Louis does this a lot. It looks very, very, very much like I planted a money shot on him, or that he is full retard. People probably wouldn't put me using the cat as target practice past me either. Note to self - Rectify cats face with tissue. I now realize that saying "I stroked away the rage on my cat Louis" sounds like I jerked off on him, but I didn't. Gentleman's word.