The students that live three doors down

Oh, oh oh. The students that live three doors down from me. Hopefully I'll become an internet celebrity, and while I'm being sucked off by the finest African Eunuchs and drinking salted goat cum to gain immortality, they will read my scathing posts about their shitty lives and how they annoy me. They'll sit there unhappily reading this in their student kitchen, cans filling every space, leaving no vacancy. Crunch crunch crunch goes the dry, milk-less cereal in their mouth. Coco pops without milk because Fintan drank all the milk at a cocaine party. He kept down 6 White Russians, or so the frat party legend goes. They will laugh as they read, agreeing with me and showing their hungover friends. "HAHAHAHA" they will say. Before they realize its them I'm talking about. Dry coco pops will spray across the room, like a tumult of soil erupting as a mortar lands. "THIS FUCKING POV IS TALKING ABOUT US!"

I'm ALL about hedonism. Do whatever you want to keep you happy and on the edge. If you want to have sex with bears while drinking Yop mixed with speed, I'm fully supportive. My disgustingly addictive personality and love of excess renders me incapable to slagging their parties. Not exactly the type of parties I'd go for, Britney Spears sing-a-longs at four in the morning. We all love that sometimes, but not most nights of the week. Sing along nights should be rare, like a girl who loves anal. We've all stood there, with the thousand yard stare. The glazed expression of a man who couldn't possibly drink another can of druids. Suddenly.. those familiar notes... The solider springs into action, slurring the opening words to Bohemian Rhapsody. We have ALL done it. Just not every single session.

As I said, I'm all for party all the time but playing football while drunk at four in the morning? WHAT?! At four in the morning at a session I'm eating all of the bread in the house and trying to coax someone into sitting on my face. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I have never stumbled out of the bathroom, wiping sick from my face and shouted "PENNOS IN THE GARDEN LADS!". If you are going to do the party, loud music, make-the-neighbours-hate-me student life, do it right.

You fuckin' cunts. I can hear that horrible rubber ball that you have smashing against the wall late at night. I would rather hear moaning orgasms and can crushing competitions. At least my loss of sleep is at the expense of someone having a rip roaring time and seizing the benefits of youth. Not getting fit and actively competing in sport.Your camaraderie makes me sick.